It's not all about size...

Everyone loves a baby. We love to hold them, baby talk to them and most importantly, if it’s not yours, give it back to their mothers when we’ve got our fix. I am one of those people. My youngest is 3 years old. Any holding or cuddling is going to cost me a trip to my local chiropractor and some vicodin, so I cuddle the nearby babes as often as I can. For the simple reason, I have a 45lb 3yr old and he’d rather wrestle that cuddle. Shocked?!?! Well then you’ll enjoy today’s latest post…

I’ve noticed over the last couple of years, the bigger the baby, the more the questions about the delivery and a whole bunch of mommies clenching their legs together at just the thought of pushing something out bigger than 8 lbs. First things first, my son was a 10 pounder, delivered naturally and yes, he took my cervix out when he came. It’s funny, you go a whole nine months hoping for a healthy baby and trying to make sure you do everything right, as to keep baby in said belly warm, comfortable and healthy. It’s at the end of those nine months, when you’re pushing, and rather than seeing this tiny little newborn, out pops a toddler with luggage!! Trust me; your girl downstairs will never be the same. I say the bigger the baby, the sooner they sleep through the night though. So bring on the taco bell while pregnant!!

Today’s post isn’t just about big babies and their birth weight; it’s all about how they come out. Size doesn’t really matter; I just thought I’d add a little bit on current conversations had with several mommy friends and first time mommies. My real topic is on how babies get out, or rather, how they come to be. We, as mommies, always discuss size and our birth stories in front of our kids. I don’t think we have ever grasped the thought, they themselves are wondering how they or their sibling got out or what they got out from. While we think size, they think, “What’s a cervix?”

Tonight after dinner, my son came up to me and said “Mommy, you’re a girl and daddy is a boy.” I felt the need to ask him how he knew I was a girl and how he knew daddy was a boy. Upon questioning, he replied “Because daddy is a boy, so I am a boy!” I really should have seen this next part coming, but unfortunately I didn’t and left a door wide open for my 5 yr old.

My daughter then explains to my husband and I that I delivered her and my husband delivered my son. She explained that, after questioning how he got out of daddy, he (our son) was teeny tiny and just popped out of daddy and then grew into a baby. This is where I thought in my head, “Then what hell did I spend 5 hours for in the hospital that day if it was so easy??” I didn’t find it the right time to explain where babies come from. I did however find it necessary to explain the real difference of how mommy is a girl and daddy is a boy. This went over with giggles…from me! My children have grown up calling their parts, shooter and hoo-hah. For the simple reason, I can’t say penis and vagina without laughing like a 12 yr old school girl. I know! Delaying the inevitable I thought, turned into a conversation on difference tonight, in which my daughter tells me “boys have sticks and girls have lines!!”

Moral of the story and today’s lesson folks…when talking about size, remember the little people in the background. Who knows when they are going to come home and start questioning when, where and how they came to be. If you’re cool like me, you ‘all tell them a brown truck dropped them off and if they don’t listen, that brown truck will come back to get them.

Patience is a virtue...

The man who first qouted that, obviously had no children. Possibly not even a mother! I find the older my children get, the less patience I actually have. I find the more patience I lose, the more swear words my children learn.

Which brings me to my latest entry. My son has just recently been potty trained. Okay when I say recent, I mean within the last year. Every time he goes "poo" he politely screams from the bathroom "I'm DOOOOOOOONNNNEEEE" at the top of his lungs. Normally I am in the middle of something important, cleaning, laundry, whatever. Today it was mastering the art of Super Mario Brothers on my daughters Nintendo DS. Thankfully my husband was off and home today. He went to the bathroom to help my son wipe in which my son stated "I can wipe my own damn butt!" My husband finds it necessary to relay this message to me and tell me I really need to take my swearing down a notch because our 3 yr old is picking up on it. I'm just thankful he said butt instead of ass. Seriously, because that sounds more like me.

I mean it's not like he walks around cussing up a storm all day. He rarely lets a swear word out, unless he has just heard me say it. I can tell you this, he repeats one probably once in a blue moon and for this house, that's a god damn miracle, because I swear like I just got off a ship with a bunch of sailors.

Why is it people find swearing such a horrible thing to do around your children? They have no real idea of what they are saying, let alone comprehend what you have said. My kids know, if I say it, it usually means I have managed to injure myself or have just come across some crazy mess my kids just made. Say a full size mattress completely moved from your sons bed and propped up against a wall. The "Nanny" tells us to talk quietly to our children, treat them as equals. Seriously folks, if you walked into a room and saw your had children just moved a mattress that took your husband and male neighbor to move, pretty sure your not going to gently talk to them. You are going to react like I did and say "How the hell did you do this??"

Now my son yelling "What the hell?!" at a car honking at another car in the Target parking lot. Toatlly uncalled for!! I did reprimand him for that. I see no harm in my son repeating something right after I have said it though. I feel the words hell and damn are not that bad. If you want to get technical, once they hit a certain age and you have never sworn around them, they will use the phrases/words out of context in the wrong place at the wrong time. My children however, will be bored of those words by that time and know the difference of when they should be said and when they shouldn't.

Today's lesson folks and the moral of this story. Say them now. Otherwise you're going to be the mommy called to the office in a couple of years, because your child told thier teacher, "they don't give a damn!!" I however will be the mommy sitting at home politely cussing to myself, after I have stubbed my toe, like a crazy person. Like I always say, no harm, no foul. Sometimes a foul mouth is what keeps the harming from being done and gives you just a little bit more patience.

Welcome to my randomness....

This blog is perfectly titled. I am not mother of the year, however, everyday I have what I call a mother of the year moment. What is a mother of the year moment you ask? It's basically anything that could possibly go wrong and you were right there to witness it but really didn't do anything to prevent it and or you have somehow cloned my children and crazy shit happens at your house all day long. Either way, it makes for an interesting life!

There you have it, my definition of a mother the year moment. I hope to enlighten all you mommies out there who think you have a demon child, just kidding or a boy, still kidding, just kids in general and need and some comic relief. I can help with that, I hope, or have DCFS called on me, either way, here's to many more interesting reads.

Now onto today.  It was a pretty slow morning around here, we did the usual. My son threw a fit, my daughter basically talked to me as if I were her servant and my husband basically walked around like he just had a frontal lobotomy. Okay, its not that bad, but it was definitely one of those mornings, where I wished I had a drink in my hand...at 7:45am!! I decided to take my son to our local open gym this morning, where he proceeded to jump off a stack of mats and land on another toddler. It was purely an accident, "J" wasn't looking at his surroundings. He didn't land on the other boy, but basically clothes lined the kid with his foot. The other boys mother, however, jumped up immediately reacting as if my son had just chased after her with a knife and shouted things at her, as if he were Chucky. 

This is something I find a tad ridiculous! If your kid isn't crying or bleeding, ignore it happened and let them move on. Every time you react, you are one step closer to raising a wimp. Yes, you heard me, A WIMP!! My son, who does have melt downs and throws fits, isn't a wimp by any means, okay, so if his sister hits him, he reacts as if he's broken something, but come on! Who didn't over react when a sibling hurt you? It meant they got in trouble and you got a snack. That's still not a wimp, that's smart thinking. However, when your 30 and you hit your sibling, and they hit you back, people don't call your mom, they call the cops...just a side note! Anyway, back to my son. This other mother was all over her son and the only reason he began to cry was because she decided it was to rough of a place to be and was taking him home. I made my son apologize and of course laughed, I have no idea how he jumped that far and stuck the landing, he's my son, therefore not coordinated in the slightest. This other mother and her friends were mortified of me, giving me looks like I was selling crack to their toddlers. This is another one of my issues, obviously these woman keep their kids in a bubble and they have never had to deal with things like chocolate syrup covered toddlers or a flooded living room, because their kids thought the hose was a good idea to bring in the house and wash the carpets. 

Moral of the story and todays lesson, give your kids some space. I mean we basically grew up playing in play grounds made of shards of glass and chewed on tin cans, and look at us, we survived. I'm pretty sure one bump and a face plant into a cushion mat doesn't warrant a call to your pediatrician and a psychological review for post traumatic stress disorder. If you are this mommy, back off and applaud my kid next time, those were some sweet Spiderman moves!!